Am I Asexual Or Mislabelled? Untangling Labels, Desire, and Connection
“Asexual.” It’s a word that gets thrown around far too casually in relationships. Sometimes it’s used as a jab when one partner wants more sex than the other. Sometimes it’s spoken out of frustration or confusion. And sometimes, people take on the label themselves when desire feels distant or missing.
But here’s the truth: being called asexual by your partner doesn’t mean you are asexual. And not wanting sex, or not enjoying it, isn’t automatically the same thing as identifying on the asexual spectrum.
As a sex coach for women and couples, I often meet clients who come in believing they must be asexual because that’s the label they’ve been given. But once we begin to explore their experiences with curiosity and compassion, we often uncover something else entirely.
So, let’s take a closer look at what asexuality really is and what it isn’t, while also exploring the other reasons you might be feeling disconnected from sex or desire.
What Asexuality Actually Means
At its core, asexuality is about attraction, not action.
An asexual person doesn’t experience sexual attraction or an intrinsic desire for sexual relationships. That doesn’t mean they’re incapable of sex, don’t understand it, or are “broken.” Many asexual people still choose to have sex, for closeness, to have children, or simply out of curiosity. And in this recent lifestyle piece in The Guardian, the interviewee found out they were asexual but still enjoyed orgasms.
The difference is that sexual attraction just isn’t what drives them.
Just as with other orientations, asexuality is valid, natural, and deserving of respect. If you’d like to dig deeper into asexuality, this asexuality website is an excellent resource.
What Asexuality Is Not
Here’s where confusion often creeps in. People mislabel a partner as “asexual” when what’s really happening is something else, such as:
Mismatched libidos: One partner wants sex more often than the other.
Stress, tiredness, or medication: Life pressures and physical factors affect desire.
Lack of sexual connection: Sometimes we simply don’t feel drawn to sex with this partner, even if we would with someone else.
Not knowing your pleasure. If you haven’t explored what touch, pace, or style excites you, sex may feel unsatisfying.
None of these situations automatically point to asexuality. They simply mean there’s more to explore.
Being mislabelled can feel heavy and confusing. It can also cause shame or self-doubt. That’s why approaching the question with curiosity and not judgment matters so much.
Myths and Misunderstandings
Let’s bust some of the most common myths that show up in my coaching sessions:
Myth: “If I don’t feel like having sex, I must be asexual.”
Not necessarily. Desire ebbs and flows. Stress, tiredness, or lack of connection are common reasons sex may not appeal right now. Asexuality is about an ongoing absence of attraction, not a temporary dip.
Myth: “Asexuality just means low libido.”
Libido is about physical arousal, not orientation. You can have a strong libido and still not feel attraction toward others. Or you can have low libido and still be interested in sex when the circumstances feel right.
Myth: “My partner says I’m asexual, so it must be true.”
Only you can define your orientation. Labels from others often reflect their frustrations, not your truth.
Myth: “Not wanting to be touched means I’m asexual.”
Discomfort with touch can stem from trauma, boundaries, stress, or simply preference. It doesn’t automatically mean asexuality.
What This Means for You
If you’ve been labelled “asexual” by someone else, pause before you take it on as your identity. If you’re wondering whether it’s true, know that it’s worth exploring and also considering other possibilities.
You may well be asexual. And if so, that deserves respect and celebration.
But if your lack of desire comes from stress, miscommunication, mismatched libido, or not yet discovering what brings you pleasure, amongst other things, then your story may be something entirely different.
Working with a coach can give you the space to explore these questions without pressure or judgment. My approach is always rooted in curiosity: asking what intimacy means for you, not what label you’ve been given. If you’ve thought you could be asexual, or you might have been carrying around a label someone else has given you, feel free to reach out to me to open up new possibilities around your feelings and desires.
